August 30th

That is the date I meet with my OBGyn to discuss the risks of me having children should I ever decide to have them.  I've read too much online and in Medical Journals and I feel that I've just frightened myself.  I need to also make an appointment with my Hematologist to hear his considerations as well.  However, if I do hear one more comment from friend or family about reproducing, I'm just going to print this:

Thrombophilia is a condition whereby a person experiences abnormal clotting of the blood. Complications can include stroke, heart attack, deep venous thrombosis, and pulmonary embolism. For a pregnant woman, thrombophilia can result in miscarriage, preeclampsia, and eclampsia 

Then, I'll just hold up my middle finger and walk away.

 

Am I a bad woman?

Many friends have recently posted on Facebook or shared with me in person that they are with child.  I'm happy for them but each time this announcement is made, I'm harassed with questions about when my husband and I plan to have children.  I've been on the fence about children for a long time.  I have a genetic blood clotting disorder (Factor V) that makes things complicated for me.  Plus, I'm 27 years old and don't really see myself as a mother.  Pregnancy grosses me out and frightens me because of the blood clotting problem (miscarriages and death are risk factors).  Am I a horrible woman for becoming bitchier and bitchier each time I'm asked this question?  I know I have the right to be a bitch to the people at work who barely know me but I'm growing increasingly angry with close friends and family who are asking the question.  I feel guilty.  My best friends don't ask but they insist that I'll change my mind.  They are all excited for it to happen and quite frankly, I'm not.  I want nothing to do with it.  Does it make me a bad hedge witch and woman for not wanting motherhood?  There is so much of the craft that is "motherly."  How can I hold myself to such qualities when they are ones I don't possess or want?

I know many of my readers are mothers.  Please know that I hold nothing against any of you for being mothers.  Many people have perceived me in the past as a basher of motherhood.  I just don't want it for myself.  I guess I just feel like I'm wrong to not want it.

A Crossroads

So, I've been on a bit of a mental break for the past few months.  I've debated if I want to start the blog back up again.  While reading a new Pagan book this morning, I decided it would be a good idea.  This year has been a blur of constant stress.  Between co-workers who treat me as an outcast because of my Pagan faith and "green" values and parents who constantly harass me because I dare to challenge their students with hard work and accountability, I've been nothing but a bundle of nerves.  So, I abandoned my blog.  I honestly don't know why I did it in the first place.  Writing here gave me hope and understanding.  I connected with many of my readers on Facebook and speak with them privately about Pagan issues.  Why did I throw away my connection to what I've been looking for?  I guess I couldn't balance it all.  My faith doesn't bring me paycheck, teaching does.  So the world of stress took over my life.

Thankfully summer has finally arrived.  Today work crept in to provide me with some stress: One of the parents who gave me more grey hairs than I can count is still complaining.  Her son slept through my first period class all year and how *dare* I hold him accountable for doing nothing with a failing grade.  I must have some nerve.  But it's done.  It's over.  I took care of her bitching.  She got what she wanted.  Hopefully my cell phone and house phone will stay quiet for the rest of the summer except for when friends come calling.  I want to see pleasant people's names come across my caller ID for the remainder of the summer.  School can ring me in September.

So, what does all of this mean?  Is the Green Witch back?


Yes.


I'm not sure where I'll begin in my writings again.  I suppose talking about my house and the Pagan elements I've added around it would be a good place to start.  It's the only positive I've had since I last wrote in March.  I know I'll share about the Mets/Yankees game I'm going to tonight.  I'll be the lone Yankees fan in a group of Mets fans.

Until tomorrow.
Blessed Be.

PS - I guess my internal witch clock knows best when to start over.  I just realized today is a New Moon.