14 July, 2011

Am I a bad woman?

Many friends have recently posted on Facebook or shared with me in person that they are with child.  I'm happy for them but each time this announcement is made, I'm harassed with questions about when my husband and I plan to have children.  I've been on the fence about children for a long time.  I have a genetic blood clotting disorder (Factor V) that makes things complicated for me.  Plus, I'm 27 years old and don't really see myself as a mother.  Pregnancy grosses me out and frightens me because of the blood clotting problem (miscarriages and death are risk factors).  Am I a horrible woman for becoming bitchier and bitchier each time I'm asked this question?  I know I have the right to be a bitch to the people at work who barely know me but I'm growing increasingly angry with close friends and family who are asking the question.  I feel guilty.  My best friends don't ask but they insist that I'll change my mind.  They are all excited for it to happen and quite frankly, I'm not.  I want nothing to do with it.  Does it make me a bad hedge witch and woman for not wanting motherhood?  There is so much of the craft that is "motherly."  How can I hold myself to such qualities when they are ones I don't possess or want?

I know many of my readers are mothers.  Please know that I hold nothing against any of you for being mothers.  Many people have perceived me in the past as a basher of motherhood.  I just don't want it for myself.  I guess I just feel like I'm wrong to not want it.


Naya Aerodiode said...

To suggest that you are not a good woman for not having children is to suggest that your entire worth lies in your reproductive organs. That is absolutely not true. You have a mind, a spirit, a heart and they all will guide you along your path. Your choice to not have children simply means that you have another path you want to follow. Do so with all of your heart. The only thing you should ever feel guilty about is not being true to yourself and your own path in life. By the way, I'm happily childfree as well.

SelfPortrait said...

when you're ready, you're ready. No, you're not a bad woman. You're mature enough to know that you're not ready and that you are thinking about the potential medical problems. Just because you're 27 doesn't means you have to rush it. Your friends just need to back off and tell them that. There's no shame in strength. Blessings. ~)O(~

Faerie Sage said...

Oh Hon! You are NOT A BAD WOMAN!!!!
You have to choose the path that is right for you, and it is very possible that you dont want children because this is not the path you are meant to explore right now.
Do not let anyone tell you you are a bad woman and do not let anyone make you feel bad for your choices, it is your life and you can choose how you wish!
Leaving aside the huge factor of medical issues that would make motherhood even harder, your close friends and family should not pressure you into something you don't want. You are a wonderful woman and can follow a witches path just like any other. Do not allow what is popular right now to make you feel bad or make you feel like you aren't good enough.
Remember the kid with the new bike when you were little? Everyone wanted that bike, the new shiny toy, and at this time in your life the new fad and thing to have, is kids. Dont feel you have to follow the crowd you are a great person who is a wonderful woman, no matter which choice you make about children.

AlphaBetsy said...

I have definitely experienced this myself. I am 30 and engaged, and as a couple my fiance and I have decided that we do not want to have kids. At least not biologically. I do not have that inner drive that many women have to have children and I feel like having kids because it seems expected is a really bad reason. We have discussed someday adopting, but I'm really not stressed about it. But do not let people make you feel less a woman because you are making an informed decision not to be a mother. Personally I am going to be an amazing crazy Aunt for some great kids and that is enough for me.

Jackie said...

My sister was the one who did the babysitting thing, liked kids and was much better with them than I was. Yet, she was the one who got sterilised at the age of 33 because she was positive about never wanting to be a mother. She still loves kids, just didn't want her own.
I, on the other hand, was never fond of being around children but still had two of my own that I adore!
Are you a bad woman? Most certainly not! You don't actually have to be a mother to be maternal. Caring for family, friends and even the environment around you can be classed as 'motherly'. The fact you have a genetic condition that you are concerned about passing on just proves how compassionate you are.
As for your friends - well, you may just have to grit your teeth on that one! : )

Aisha said...

I have always said I wanted tons of kids, recently a watched my friends toddlers for the weekend, and they sealed the fate, I'm not going to be a mother for a while, maybe never, i love sleep to much to be getting up at 515 in the morning. Having to have energy all day while they run around and keep calling your name, non stop, screaming at the top of their lungs?? Yeah I think if i decide later i will adopt kids well past that age. But there is nothing wrong in walking a path that is wholly yours, yes others will comment, but consider the fact that your a witch, that's not common and yet you do it, because it;s necessary for you spiritually. Being a mom isn't everyone's path, heel some of these women who are mothers should have never been allowed but that's a tale for another time!! Tell your friends firmly that you fertility isn't their business. and if it persists, let them know you won't be discussing anything with them until they learn your boundaries. it's how i got people to stop asking the "when are ya'll getting married" questions.

Sarita Rucker said...

If you're a bad woman for not wanting children at age 27 then I guess I'm doubly bad for being unmarried (and without a boyfriend) at age 22.

...no, you aren't a bad person for not wanting children. I would recommend not being bitchy to your friends, but if they're continuing to harass you about this and are telling you that you'll change your mind then I totally understand being seriously ticked off at them.

If I had a serious genetic issue that I worried about passing on, or which made pregnancy particularly dangerous (as it sounds like your blood clotting problem does), I doubt that I would have children. Ok, so I would adopt, but then I do want to be a mother someday, so that's just me.

Do what's right for you. If others judge you for not wanting to be a mother, tell them it's none of their darned business. :)

Lilith Faye said...

I think you've gotten the general concensus (did I spell that wrong?) - not wanting children in no way makes you a bad woman, or any less of a wonderful witch. I'm a mother, I became one at 15 - to see a woman who can say shes not ready and may not want children at all is honestly new to me, but I find it wonderful!! Yes, a lot of wicca and witchcraft is caring for others and doing for others, but that doesn't require you to have children. I understand the stress of having close friends and family wanting you to follow a certain path; but don't let them make you feel bad for having a different view!

Nikki said...

I totally relate to what you say (not wanting to become a mother, was never in my life plan). If you become ready, then you will, but you in no way need to make a decision just now anyway. One thing that seems to occur in the topic of children is: when you have none, people ask when you will; when you have one they ask when you will have another (this seriously bugs those who choose to only have one and get the same harrassment you talk of); when you have two, people ask if you're having more (they seem to leave you alone when your youngest gets to be around 4-5); when you have 3, people seem to assume that you'll stop at 3 (too bad if you want more); if you have 4 then they get harrassed for having too many children! I think no matter what decision you make, everyone seems to have an opinion about it. Hugs to you. Be strong.

Rainbow said...

I can so relate to your dilemma! Society makes it tough for a woman to choose not to have kids (and also not to get married or have a partner). In spite of the progress women have made since the 1970s, we're still seen as the bringers of life. If we don't bring life then what are we doing on this earth (seems to be their accusation)?

Personally, I think you have every right to get irritated and let people know it. It's not OK for people to assume that their worldview is your worldview. Nor is it OK for someone to judge their worldview as better than yours.

My family just couldn't see any use in a woman doing anything with her life expect be a good wife and mother. Motherhood is a beautiful thing, but it's not the ONLY beautiful thing we can do in life. Maybe one way we can deal with this kind of thing (and I've gotten it too because I choose to be alone and childless) is to answer HAPPILY that we don't plan on having kids in the near future, if at all. Maybe showing people that we're happy about it would unnerve them enough to leave us alone. :-)

Stay strong!

Dyane said...

Not wanting kids - now or ever - doesn't make you a bad person, at all. Some of us who had kids maybe shouldn't have, I'm probably one of those people. My 21 year old daughter has never had any interest in children, both because pregnancy also grosses her out & she has mental illnesses she doesn't want to pass on. Just tell people, "I currently have no plans to have children, if that changes, I'll let you know." and leave it at that.

Moon Daughter said...

Certainly you've gotten the feedback you needed about motherhood and who you are in relation to it. Also consider that nurturing and "mothering" are not necessarily about children, but can be about an attitude toward life. It can be about pets, about social causes, about YOURSELF. It does not have to manifest as a baby person.

Second, if people pushing on you is making you more and more angry, I think it's something worth looking at. Exactly WHAT about their comments is making you angry? Often those strong reactions are projections, and it's worth fully healing yourself with regard to the issue of children so that no one else's situations (pregnancy, talking about motherhood, etc.) continue to be irritating for you. It will drive you nuts over time, and ostracize you from the friends of yours that are having children.

Best wishes,
Moon Daughter

Little Liza Jane said...

I am cracking up at you saying being preg "grosses you out". I am a mother of 5, (3 bio, 2 adopted)but I have Never been able to figure out these women who talk about how beautiful pregnancy is. I see NOTHING beautiful about it! You're fat, you're blotted, you're moody. Ugh! I love my children, but pregnancy is NOT for the weakhearted (dont even get me started on raising teenagers!)

Bird said...

Willow, hun, you are just fine and dandy for not wanting to have any children. I don't see why people make such a fuss that you have to reproduce. I heard it too, when I got married. Though I ended up having one child he has sworn to me for years he would never reproduce and that's just fine with me. Better he knows his mind and follows what he knows is best for himself than to do something that he feels very deeply against being the right thing for him to do. I hear junk all the time like: "But you're sister never had children and so if your son doesn't have any then that will be it." So he should be saddled with that? No, I do not think so. There are plenty of my relatives out there having children... I hear, "Don't you want grandchildren?" Okay... so what if I do or do not? Should I feel the need to pressure my son to have children so that I can have grandchildren? That would be horribly selfish. I hope people will leave you alone. With your medical situation and your mind made up, people should be respecting your decision not acting as if what you're saying does not hold any weight because it's not what they would have chosen for themselves.

Brightest Blessings to you,
Bird http://birdsearthyspirit.blogspot.com/

Natasha said...

You are not a bad person for not wanting motherhood. I doubt you would be an unfit mother, even though you said you would be. Although, it's not for everyone, and you shouldn't feel guilty or pressured into something you don't want to do. If I were you, I wouldn't get bitchy, I would flat out, publicly say "Listen, I do NOT want to be a mother/have children/etc, so STOP FORCING IT DOWN MY THROAT!!" ...or maybe say it in a nicer way, haha :P Plus with your medical condition, that could leave you, well.. dead. I doubt any of your close family and friends want that. Just keep doing what you gotta do :)

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