I often feel that I'm not good enough, that my work either at school or as a teacher or even as a witch isn't enough. There are many moments when I'd rather just curl up in bed and stay there because it's safer and no one is there to tell me I'm worthless. I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life and it's only with committing myself to my life as a Pagan where I've finally found some common ground. Reading the lives of people like me, either those who are new Pagans or old hats, and just knowing that I'm not crazy with how I feel inside or what I believe. I suppose it's some of that Catholic guilt left over. My parents know how to use it against me so well. I know I'm not perfect and I know that trying to be is what gets me down half the time. Today was one of those days where attempting to be perfect didn't get me anywhere. I guess it's why seeing that book in the bargain bit was the little bit of light that I needed to kick me back into reality. I know that I'm "different" and no one, not even my parents, should make me feel badly about it. I know that in my heart of hearts but sometimes I just need a sign from somewhere to get me to remember it. Elphaba is the perfect character to help me remember. It's why I adore her and why part of me always pitied the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.
Something has changed within me-"Defying Gravity" from Wicked
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
It's time to try
I think I'll try
And you can't pull me down!