Shakespeare Penis Jokes

SAMPSON

True; and therefore women, being the weaker vessels,
are ever thrust to the wall: therefore I will push
Montague's men from the wall, and thrust his maids
to the wall.

GREGORY

The quarrel is between our masters and us their men.

SAMPSON

'Tis all one, I will show myself a tyrant: when I
have fought with the men, I will be cruel with the
maids, and cut off their heads.

GREGORY

The heads of the maids?

SAMPSON

Ay, the heads of the maids, or their maidenheads;
take it in what sense thou wilt.

GREGORY

They must take it in sense that feel it.

SAMPSON

Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.

GREGORY

'Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou
hadst been poor John. Draw thy tool! here comes
two of the house of the Montagues.

SAMPSON My naked weapon is out: quarrel, I will back thee.

If you know anything about Shakespeare, you should know that he was a dirty, dirty man.  All of his plays are flooded with filthy jokes and word play just like in the opening scene of Romeo and Juliet that I've posted above.  Every year, when I read this play, I have a few students who get the word play in this scene.  The look on their face is just priceless and it's always the same:

• Look of shock/horror/surprise/"should I be reading this?/am I reading this right?" at the text
• Look at me with the same look as above
• Look at the text again
• Look back at me
• I look back, smile and nod

After this happens, the rest of the class has noticed the exchange and wants to know what is going on.  I will usually ask the one or two students who get it why they are so shocked.  Student(s):"Are they talking about raping women and taking out their penises?"   Me: "Yes.  Yes they are."

I freaking love Shakespeare.

Check it out!

Witchin' in the Kitchen is doing her first giveaway!  Pop on over to her site and check it out.  She's giving away some Turkish Delight (yummy!), Turkish Coffee and an Evil Eye symbol.  She blogs all the way from Turkey and now I know where my Turkish visitor is coming from!  I was wondering who was looking at my blog from over there!  I love her blog and if you haven't visited her, you should!  Now that I've mentioned Turkish Delight I want to read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe! 

Beltane

May Eve and May Day or Beltane is one of the four fire festivals in the wheel of the year.  It is a celebration of the sexual union between the Lord and the Lady and is the point where the Lady becomes pregnant with the Lord and he will be reborn at Yule.  The May Pole is the most prevalent symbol of Beltane, but there are other ways to celebrate the coming together of the Goddess and the God.  Even though I'm not a technically a solitary, building a Maypole at my parent's house is not exactly feasible, so I needed a few alternatives.  So, I opened up my copy of Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner and found a much more do-able ceremony for Beltane.

If you do not own Cunningham's Guide for Solitary Practitioner, I strongly recommend getting a copy.  It was one of the first three books I purchased when I started my "official" path last summer.  Of all the rituals I've read for Beltane, his is my favorite.  He recommends celebrating in a forest or near a living tree and then cast your circle.  The rest of the ritual is posted below:
Create a small token or charm in honor of the wedding of the Goddess and the God to hang upon the tree.  You can make several if you desire.  These tokens can be bags filled with fragrant flowers, strongs of beads, carvings, flower garlands - whatever your talens and imagination can conjure.  Arrange the altar, light the candles and censer and cast your circle. 
Then, say the following blessing:

May the powers of The One,
the source of all creation;
all-pervasive, omnipoten, eternal;
may the Goddess,
the Lady of the Moon;
and the God,
Horned Hunter of the Sun;
may the power of the Spirits of the Stones,
rulers of the elemental realms;
may the powers of the stars above and the Earth below,
bless this place, and this time, and I who am with You.

Invoke the Goddess and the God:

Gracious Goddess,
You who are the Queen of the Gods,
the lamp of night,
the creator of all that is wild and free;
Mother of woman and man;
lover of the Horned God and protectress of all.
Descend, I pray,
with Your Lunar ray of power
upon my circle here!


Blazing God,
You Who are the King of the Gods
Lord of the Sun,
master of all that is wild and free;
Father of woman and man,
Lover of the Moon Goddess and protector of all.
Descend, I pray,
with Your Solar ray of power
upon my circle here!

Stand before the altar and say, with wand (or hands) raised:

O Mother Goddess, Queen of the night and of the Earth;
O Father God, King of the day and of the forests,
I celebrate Your union as nature rejoices in a ritous
blaze of color and life.  Accept my gift, Mother Goddess
and Father God, in honor of Your union.

Place the token(s) on the tree.

From Your mating shall spring forth life anew;
a profusion of living creatures shall cover the lands,
and the winds will blow pure and sweet.
O Ancient Ones, I celebrate with You!

Enjoy Cakes and Wine and close the Circle.

Blessed Beltane Everyone!

Z-Packs and Flonase

The doctor gave me two prescriptions this afternoon: Flonase and a Z-pack.  Of course, my insurance provided me with generics (whoo!).  I had a mini-panic attack about 3 hours after taking the both of them.  My chest felt tight and I spiked a low-grade fever.  I feel fine now, but it was a bit scary for me, hence the panic attack.

I also picked up a Netipot for myself at CVS.  The nastiness that came out of my nostrils when I used it was gross, but it did ease a little bit of the pressure on my face.  It honestly feels like someone is taking their hands and pushing on my cheekbones.  Either that or hundreds of tiny elves decided to sit on my cheeks and hang out for a week. Not to mention that this evil infection in my head caused me to miss the full moon!  Blast it all!

Simple Abundance Giveaway by Domestic Witch

This is a beautiful giveaway by The Domestic Witch and I'm really excited about it. It includes a copy of Simple Abundance, a Day Book of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach, a copy of Lady Cottington's Pressed Fairy Book, a wood element candle with coin, a homemade sage smudge, Banded Amethyst, a homemade set of stone prayer beads, and a box of perfumed stationary.  WOW!  This is an incredible giveaway and I'm really crossing my fingers over this one. 

I hope that once I have a larger number of followers that I can do a few giveaways.  I have so many ideas!

Sinus Infection?

I've been suffering from sinus headaches and a stuffy head/nose/chest since last Thursday.  I'm not a huge fan of the doctor, but I made an appointment for tomorrow.  I'm not sure how much he'll be able to help (they never really do). I've been taking Sinus medications all week, but nothing really seems to help me.  Even my Afrin isn't working which is why I don't think anything a doctor will prescribe is going to do anything different.  Do any of you ladies have herbal remedies that work to clean out the sinuses?  Soup and Tea are all I know.  Help!  I need some green witch ideas to get rid of this thing.

Practical Magic

For years, I've thought that Practical Magic was only a delightful chick flick starting Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman.  Apparently, I've been wrong for over ten years.

This past weekend, the hubby and I made a trip up to Boston for a wedding.  We also had a chance to catch up with two of my dear friends and walk around some shops.  One of them, a bookstore, had a used book section in the basement.  It was there that laying in the rack, I found the novel Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman.  I was puzzeled at first because I had no idea that one of my favorite witchy movies was a book first.  Then, I became embarassed.  How could I, an English teacher, have not known this?  Very rarely do I see films without reading the book version first.  So, for $4, I purchased the book.  Tonight I will begin reading it and I will hopefully have a review for everyone in a day or so.  I hope that this book won't go into my "currently reading pile" because of schoolwork and grading.  That pile is becoming too large (it has about 10 books in it now).  Such is the life of the teacher.  I cannot wait until summer so I can really dive into the stacks I have laying around.  During my 2 1/2 month break, I usually go through a good 20 to 50 books, depending on my schedule or what books I find.

Has anyone else read this book before?  Leave me a comment with your own review.  If you haven't read it, do you have any other fictional "witchy books" that you enjoy?  Please give me some names.  I need to add more to my collection.

Tomorrow I will post the full moon ritual for April!

Monday Mutterings: Teaching Shakespeare

A woman's face with Nature's own hand painted
Hast thou, the master-mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion;
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue, all 'hues' in his controlling,
Much steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.

- Sonnet 20 (my personal favorite)

Tomorrow, I begin teaching Romeo and Juliet to my demonic beloved freshman.  I know all most of them will never really have the love affair that I do with The Bard.  I've always been facinated by his use of pagan metaphors/allusions despite him being a Catholic.  I guess part of it is pagan/Greek/Roman references in Elizabethian literature is the same as The Family Guy using references to James Woods and Back to the Future.  They're essentially pop culture references of the time.  However, England had such strict laws about witchcraft until the mid-twentieth century, so it's quite remarkable how he was able to get away with so much.

I was thinking that while I'm teaching Romeo and Juliet I can bring in some horror stories tales of my teaching the play.  I could write my own soap opera/dramady about my teaching experiences.  So many television show ideas could be made with what I hear in the hallways or see in my classroom.  I have an insane interesting bunch this year.  I can only wait till I hand them foam swords.  I just hope that this stormy weather passes soon because I like to take them outside to act out the play.  Cross your fingers for me!

Finally!

It's been awhile, but I've finally caught up with all of my grading.  Sometimes I really need to ask myself why I didn't become a music teacher or a gym teacher.  Reading student essays/research papers has to be the most painful part of my job.  Thank goodness June is fast approaching and I can enjoy my summer taking Graduate courses and house hunting with the hubby. 

This won't be a long post since I have to get up early tomorrow to make copies of my Grammar test (yay!) and do an early morning extra help session for the kiddies.  The hubby and I just got back from a weekend trip to Boston.  We were there for one of his college friend's wedding and it was a great time.  The best part able the entire weekend was seeing my friends Pat and Katy.  We had brunch together this morning at an awesome Jewish deli.  I broke my diet hardcore this weekend because I've been sick and I treated myself to banana stuffed french toast.  It was worth every single bite!  I cannot wait to go back and not just for more french toast!  I really miss seeing Pat and Katy and Boston is a great city.  Plus, it brings back college memories for the hubby (he's a Boston University Alumni).  He bought me an adorable BU outfit so I can be a proud BU wifey:

Now I can watch Terrier's Hockey in style!

Sorry!

I just wanted to apologize to everyone in blog land.  I've not been posting lately because of work related hassles.  It's the end of the marking period and I have quite a bit of grading left to do.  I'll be back posting in a few days!

Bloody April Give-a-Way and Natural Cleaning Products

If you haven't checked out Bloody April at the Wizardess Epi's page Go Out Beneath the Naked Night, you should.  Her give-a-way this month are re-usable menstrual pads.  As a Green Witch, I'm always looking for things to help lower my carbon footprint.  Honestly, I had no idea that re-usable pad existed.  I'm really excited about the Wizardess's give-a-way and I plan on making a purchase from Crea8tive Mama's Etsy Shop.

The Domestic Witch's Spring Cleaning continues this week with kitchen cleaning tips.  Her kitchen blessing is excellent and is worth bookmarking for your own use.  I've also spoken about doing away with harsh, unatural cleaners from my house, well, my mother's house.  Mainstream cleaning products are full of chemicals that are dangerous to you, your pets, your family and even more importantly, the Earth.  However, many alternative, plant based cleaners (which are great) are very expensive and for many people, money is something that is hard to come by right now.  Making your own green cleaning products is cheap, sometimes cheaper than those chemically products, and a great way to bring yourself in balance with Nature.  What could be more pagan?!

Here's a few easy cleaning recipies:

Surface Cleaner - counter tops, tile, ranges, etc.

You Will Need:

• a spray bottle
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1 cup water

1. Combine vinegar and water into the spray bottle.
2. Use on any surface in your home.  The vinegar smell will dissipate when the vinegar drys. 
3. For really stained/dirty surfaces, heat up the solution in the microwave or on the stove. 

Toilet Cleaner, Shower Head Cleaner or Laundry Rinse 

You Will Need:

• undiluted white vinegar.  

1. For the toilet bowl: dump a bucket of water into the toilet to force water out of the bowl and allow access to the sides. Pour undiluted white vinegar around the bowl and scrub with a toilet brush to remove stains and odor. Use a pumice stone to remove any remaining hard water rings.
2. For Shower Heads:  Place 1/4 to 1/2 cup vinegar in a plastic food storage bag, and secure the bag to the shower head with a rubber band. Let stand for 2 hours to overnight, then rinse and buff the fixture to a shiny finish.    
3. For Laundry: Add one cup of undiluted white vinegar to the laundry rinse cycle instead of commercial fabric softener. White vinegar softens clothes and cuts detergent residue.

Bathtub Scrub

You Will Need:

• Baking Soda
• Sponge

1.  Sprinkle baking soda onto a damp sponge to scrub away rings in your bathtub, shower or sink.
2. For bad stains, make a paste with the baking soda and water, apply and let stand for 20 minutes.  Then, rinse with hot water.

Smelly Garbage Disposals 

You Will Need:

• Baking Soda
• Lemon, Orange or Lime peels (optional)
• White Vinegar

1. Pour about 1 cup of baking soda down your garbage disposal.  
2. Then, pour about a cup of vinegar down the disposal for the chemical reaction.
3. Put the citrus peels in the disposal and operate the disposal.  This will leave a nice odor in your drain.

Homemade Glass Cleaner

You Will Need: 

• A spray bottle
• 1 cup rubbing (isopropyl) alcohol 
• 1 cup water 
• 1 tablespoon white vinegar
• Mix all of the above together and clean away!

Furniture Polish

You Will Need:

• A spray bottle
• 1 cup olive oil 
• 1/2 cup lemon juice 

Mix together and shake well and apply a small amount to a flannel cleaning rag or cleaning cloth. Spread evenly over furniture surface. Turn cloth to a dry side and polish dry.

Relaxation Spell

Last week was spring vacation for all the little kiddies and their very over-worked teachers.  I am one of those teachers who needed last week more than anything.  However, now that I'm back at work, all the stress that I left in my classroom is weighing back on my shoulders.  I fought with my former university for about an hour today.  I haven't attended there since 2006 and they were still trying to charge me for a class I never took, not permitted to take (I didn't take enough of the pre-requisites) and was dropped from by the professor.  Not only do I have my work stress, but now I have this wonderful migraine. 

All of this got me thinking about creating some relaxation and calming spells.  I've been a little lazy about working on my own spells lately and this is a perfect time for me to start putting my energies into more productive things, rather than my worries.

I've found that relaxation spells and calming spells work best when working alone rather than with a group.  I think everyone would agree that other people tend to make us more nervous and having them around may take our needed energies away from the spell at hand.  This is a very simple spell and can be used at any time.

What you need:
A Blue Candle
A White Candle
A Black Candle
An Orange Candle
Lavender Oil (optional)

• Run a hot bath and add the lavender oil (if you're using it).  Set up the  candles near the tub (if you can).
• Light the white candle and say: This candle represents me and me in all things.  This is the flame that I carry as I walk upon my path.
• Light the black candle and say: These are my negative thoughts and energies.  These are the things that distract me from my path and cause me to drag my feet.  Fear, tears, and disappointment is here.  These troubles leave me now forever.
• Light the blue candle and say: All these troubles are now past.  The light of this flame neutralizes the negativity that has surrounded me.  This candle represents the element of water.  Water, cleanse me of these worries.
•  Finally, light the orange candle and say: This candle represents the positive energy I want to bring into my life and give me balance.  Lord and Lady, please continue to help guide me and bless me with the light this flame brings.
• At this point, your bath should be filled.  Step in and sit quietly.  Picture that orange candle and it's energy surrounding you.  You may wish to submerge yourself in the bath water and picture the blue candle and the element water purifying you.  
• When you are ready, say the following:   

 

Remember the law of three

Without it, nothing will you be

Goddess and the God come sit beside

To help rid me of these harmful thoughts inside

Free me from this stress and pain

Let me grow and love and gain

With your love, I can love me

So mote it be

Monday Mutterings: Tarot

Last week I began doing (almost) daily tarot readings for myself.  The Domestic Witch's focus for this week is on the Hearth and Home.  This means that we should bring focus into the things we truly have a strong passion for.

Tarot is something that I began doing as a teenager and recently it has come back to my life.  Reading the cards was something that always came easily to me, especially since the decks I've always used have pictoral expressions of meaning.  Up until last week, I used the Universal Waite deck, but I purchased the Robin Wood deck on Amazon.  Immediately I had a strong connection to my new deck.  I've used the Robin Wood deck (most of my friends have it) and it has interested me for a long time.  I really have no idea why I've waited so long to purchase it.  Now, even though I'm pretty good at getting the meanings from just the cards themselves, I do like to have a reference.  At the suggestion of a friend, I purchased the book Tarot: Plain and Simple by Anthony Louis.  Anyone who is interested in tarot, beginner or not, should have this book.

I did not do a full week of readings, but the ones I did do were pretty interesting.  I will share one of them with you along with the weekly draw card.

My weekly draw card was Temperance.  This card is a card of balance.  The angel's wings in this deck are yellow which denotes illumination or inspiration.  However, in other deck's the angel's wings are red, the color of passion.  The angel is able to stand with one foot in the water, which usually is some connection to either travel or change.  From this card I knew that this week would possible involve me helping my life become more balanced or that focus for the week would be creating some form of harmony in my life.

On Thursday morning,  I drew the Six of Pentacles.  This card displays a nobleman holding the scales (which are balanced) and handing out coins to others.  This is a balanced man who has gained this through his devotion to charity/the needs of others less fortunate than himself.  The pentacles suit also tends to indicate some form of financial gain for myself or someone close to me.





Every card I drew last week had something that indicated a form of balance coming into my life or the lives of loved ones.  Interestingly enough, many things occurred that followed along with this theme: 1) I found out that I will be graduating from Grad School earlier than expected; 2) My husband and I found out we will be getting much more back on our tax return this year; 3) My raise came through; 4) My first coven meeting went very well and brought a needed pagan connection into my life; 5) Several friends became engaged this week.

I'm interested to see what this week's card will say!

Happy Easter!

Even though I'm no longer Catholic, I still celebrate Easter with my family.  I hope everyone has a wonderful day today.  It is beautiful outside today in New York and there is good food cooking downstairs that I'm very excited to eat.

This will be a short post, but I am very happy to report that I basically came "out of the broom closet" to my mother today.  She knew I was a witch, but I never outright said it to her.  We had a very open and honest conversation today about how Catholics and Pagans are essentially celebrating similar things at this time of the year and how unfortunate it is that the religions shut one another out.  Let's hope her positive attitude towards my faith continues.  She tends to flip-flop on the issue a bit, but I'm happy I said it to her finally.


Happy Easter everyone!  Enjoy the spring transformations around you.

I will post again tonight for the start of my weekly tarot readings.

Giveaway from Mrs. B!

Mrs. B at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom has a great new giveaway from Starrlight Jewelry!  The best part about Starrlight is that money from jewelry sales go to fund her independently owned and operated animal sanctuary.  She saves mostly kitties, but there are a few birds on her facebook page.  So, even if you don't want to enter the contest, purchase some her beautiful work to help cuties like this one:

I just want to adopt them all!

Marty finds a friend

My husband and I have been living with my parents for a little over a year now with our two cats, Frankie and Marty.  My mother has two pets of her own, Belle (a Shetland Sheepdog) and Tommy (a HUGE, orange cat).  My Siamese, Frankie, does not particularly care for Tommy or Belle, but Marty loves the two of them.  Marty is also a very shy kitty, so catching a picture of him for my Friday postings has been a bit of a challenge.  However, Marty and Belle had a snuggle-fest a few days ago and I was able to snap a picture of the two of them.

I'm hoping that one day, all four of them will be sleeping together on the couch.  Knowing my Siamese, it will have to be a blue moon or some other rare cosmic occasion before that happens.

My Altar

I couldn't really think of anything to post today, so I thought I'd post a picture of my spring altar.

Happy Thursday everyone!  It's beautiful outside on the East Coast, so go out and play!