22 May, 2010
I wake up frequently through the night in a panic. It's been happening for years now. I was on anti-depressants for over 3 years and a little over a year ago I phased off of them. I didn't like the weight it put on me nor did I like the shadow I became. But, I'm still waking in panic. I've tried to keep the journal by my bedside and write down the things which wake me, but I can't seem to remember/know what it is I'm waking up for. It's always the same. I shoot up from a deep sleep, look at the clock, realize it's 2:37AM and I don't have to be awake until 5:30AM. This process will repeat every hour until I wake again at 5:27AM and curse silently that I could have slept 3 more minutes until the alarm went off. Then, I don't want to get up. I'm tired. I love my job teaching, but I pray to the God/dess everyday that work should start at 9AM instead of 7:20AM. I think their deaf on the issue as nothing has changed.
So, since I'm tired all the time, physically and emotionally, I've decided to actually do something about it. I know I need to start going to the gym again and eating healthier (again). When I became ill 3 weeks ago with the sinus infection, I just made excuses for myself to slack off. But, I've done all this before and waking panic still plagued me. So, I thought a little bit of magick, prayer and craft work may help me. I thought that it was about time I made myself a dream pillow. I don't necessarily need to have a specific type of dream, but just the ability to dream and rest. I'll be heading upstate next weekend to go camping and I can hopefully gather some supplies from the store I usually buy my herbs from. I'd get started this weekend, but there is too much bustling around for birthdays and graduations. But, the most important part of this is that I have a plan to help myself and maybe just the planning will help put my mind at ease, even if it's just slightly.