Well, it took longer than I thought . . .

Ok.  It has been about a year since I really wanted to write in this thing.  I have had numerous ups and downs, but never enough motivation to share any of them on this blog.  This past year has really been a private journey of self-realization and, perhaps, finally forgiveness (I'll get into that portion of the journey at another time).

I suppose what has finally motivated me to want to write for this blog again is a re-shaping of my practice.  It started on Thursday evening by going to a class with the High Priest of the Coven that I hang out with.  I am not an official member as I don't believe I'm fully "there" yet.  Then, yesterday was a low day.  My body ached.  I hurt everywhere - internally and externally.  I did not want to move from my bed or the couch.  Now, part of the reason for this is because I've been on an exercise/diet kick.  I think I over did it this past week.  However, the internal hurting came from the class I took on Thursday.  Some very old wounds opened up that I was finally ready to deal with.  This is where the forgiveness part of my re-directed path will eventually come in.  Like I said, I am not there just yet, which is why I do not feel it is appropriate to ask for membership into the Coven.

So, this morning, I began re-reading Silver Ravenwolf's book Hedgewitch - spells, crafts and rituals for natural magick.  I knew I needed to refocus myself.  I needed a kick start if I am really going to make myself happy, healthy, wealthy (not necessarily monetary), and wise (to borrow phrasing from my class as well as my Grandmother).  I am not "happy."  Content, yes, but I am not overjoyed with the way my life is going nor do I get excited for anything.  I just am.  I would like to get excited about life.  About exercise.  About food.  About reading.  About teaching.  I do not want to be simply "content."  I want to enjoy my experience here.  I think re-reading Silver's book and really taking Thursday night's class in to full context is helping me see a way of getting beyond content.

Thus, tomorrow I begin the fourteen day ritual process or re-directing my path as I would prefer to think of it.  I know I am a witch.  I think I have always known.  I am not changing that.  I just found a fork in the road, and although it is dark and, quite honestly, frightening, I would rather go this way.  I need to tunnel in through the weeds, rip them out and make the garden of me a little more inviting for the people around me.  I think I forgot the most basic principle of gardening: weeds come back.  I let them take over me and drown me.  Tomorrow's ritual is thus quite fitting: Wind.  I will blow in winds of change and let the air clean out, not only my home, but me.  I will use the wind to keep me moving, to keep weeding, because when I forget to do so, I head back down into depression and cannot rise above "content."  The weeds suffocate me.

Part of this fourteen day journey is keeping a journal.  I have my personal pen and paper journal but I also want to share aspects of it on the blog as a means of re-directing myself back to writing.  Part of the past year's problem was that I never once wrote a single thing for myself and I really missed doing that. If I forget that part of me, then I become unfocused and frazzled.  That is how I let the weeds start rooting again.

This is a new path that I wish to take whilst I wander.  The Green Witch is back.  This is not a new me.  This is merely a re-discovered me or a forgotten me.  Help me clear the weeds.

I want to keep writing this blog.  It always works.  Always a blessing.

Thank you and blessed be.

Some setbacks

I made my usual mistake of weighing/measuring myself when I went to the gym today.  I thought that I'd gained some weight during the summer and I was right.  I was also wrong.  It wasn't some weight.  It was a lot of weight.  Almost all of the weight I've lost, in fact, has come back.  This is where my laziness has gotten me.  I've spent too many days merely sitting on the computer when I should have been doing laps in the pool.  And now I must attend a wedding this weekend in a dress that will be too tight on me.  I'm more than disappointed in myself.  I lashed out at my husband in the middle of Macy's and screamed at my mother when we got home.  I don't like the person I become when I'm depressed.  I wish I knew a better way to handle these kind of setbacks in my life but I just get downright bitchy.

So, it's back to South Beach as I think Weight Watchers is a load of crap.  I'm sorry to those of you who use it - I don't agree with their plan.  I agree with portion control but I don't like that you have to pay them for their weight loss advice.  They (finally) started selling their cookbook in bookstores but even after flipping through it, I'd rather stick with South Beach.  This is also another big motivator to purchase my own house soon.  I love that my parents are doing my husband and I a HUGE favor by letting us live here rent free but I cannot control the menu and it's driving me bonkers.  What my Mom views as healthy cooking/eating is basically cutting out bread or just not eating until dinner.  I need to have my own kitchen back.  I miss cooking for myself all the time.

Since I haven't been following the South Beach exclusively for over a year, I need to start back in phase one.  Starting tomorrow and for the next two weeks I cannot eat anything on the list below.  It's going to be hard but I've done it before and I can do it again.  Here's to a new start and better luck this time.  I've got 55lbs to lose and I'm not giving up.  I will look the way I used to.  Magick is the power of words as well as power in faith.  Look over me Lord and Lady.  Help me not fail this time.

Foods NOT Allowed and to be Avoided in Phase 1

VEGETABLES Beets Carrots Corn Potatoes, white Potatoes, sweet Yams BEEF Brisket Liver Other fatty cuts Rib steaks POULTRY Chicken, wings and legs Duck Goose Poultry products, processed PORK Honey-baked ham VEAL Breast FRUIT Avoid ALL fruits and fruit juices in Phase 1, including: Apples Apricots Berries Cantaloupe Grapefruit Peaches Pears CHEESE Brie Edam Non-reduced fat

DAIRY 1/2 cup of plain fat-free yogurt (once per day max.) Fat Free 1/2 & 1/2, Nonfat milk, 1% milk, Soy milk allowed with coffee. Otherwise avoid all other dairy products (unless listed under protein choices or sweet treats). Limit to < 2 TBS per cup of coffee. Otherwise, avoid all milk products in Phase 1, including: Yogurt, cup-style and frozen Ice cream Milk, low-fat, fat-free, whole Milk, soy STARCHES AND CARBS Avoid ALL starchy food in Phase 1, including: Bread, all types Cereal Croutons, all types Matzo Oatmeal Rice, all types Pasta, all types Pastry and baked goods, all types MISCELLANEOUS Alcohol of any kind, including beer and wine No regular ketchup or cocktail sauce No pork rinds - too high in saturated fat No jerky - too high in sugar content Limit Caffeine-Containing Beverages to 1-2 servings per day

Favorite Fictional Witches

Ever since I read Wicked back in college, I've loved Elphaba.  I loved her long before she was even a glimmer in the lights of Broadway.  I was reminded of my love for her at the bookstore today.  While passing one of the tables before the register, there laying on the clearance stack was the 3rd book in the Wicked series: A Lion Among Men.  I remember seeing it when it first came out and reminded myself to hold off as 1) hardcover books are always out of my price range and 2) pleasure reading is during the summertime - too many papers to grade during the school year!

I often feel that I'm not good enough, that my work either at school or as a teacher or even as a witch isn't enough.  There are many moments when I'd rather just curl up in bed and stay there because it's safer and no one is there to tell me I'm worthless.  I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life and it's only with committing myself to my life as a Pagan where I've finally found some common ground.  Reading the lives of people like me, either those who are new Pagans or old hats, and just knowing that I'm not crazy with how I feel inside or what I believe.  I suppose it's some of that Catholic guilt left over.  My parents know how to use it against me so well.  I know I'm not perfect and I know that trying to be is what gets me down half the time.  Today was one of those days where attempting to be perfect didn't get me anywhere.  I guess it's why seeing that book in the bargain bit was the little bit of light that I needed to kick me back into reality.  I know that I'm "different" and no one, not even my parents, should make me feel badly about it.  I know that in my heart of hearts but sometimes I just need a sign from somewhere to get me to remember it.  Elphaba is the perfect character to help me remember.  It's why I adore her and why part of me always pitied the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.

I'm really looking forward to reading the 3rd book.  Hopefully it will cheer me up a little bit.  I just have to wait till next Tuesday to get started.  Only one more week of Graduate class left.  I love you Shakespeare but I need a break from thinking!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down! 

-"Defying Gravity" from Wicked