Well, it took longer than I thought . . .

Ok.  It has been about a year since I really wanted to write in this thing.  I have had numerous ups and downs, but never enough motivation to share any of them on this blog.  This past year has really been a private journey of self-realization and, perhaps, finally forgiveness (I'll get into that portion of the journey at another time).

I suppose what has finally motivated me to want to write for this blog again is a re-shaping of my practice.  It started on Thursday evening by going to a class with the High Priest of the Coven that I hang out with.  I am not an official member as I don't believe I'm fully "there" yet.  Then, yesterday was a low day.  My body ached.  I hurt everywhere - internally and externally.  I did not want to move from my bed or the couch.  Now, part of the reason for this is because I've been on an exercise/diet kick.  I think I over did it this past week.  However, the internal hurting came from the class I took on Thursday.  Some very old wounds opened up that I was finally ready to deal with.  This is where the forgiveness part of my re-directed path will eventually come in.  Like I said, I am not there just yet, which is why I do not feel it is appropriate to ask for membership into the Coven.

So, this morning, I began re-reading Silver Ravenwolf's book Hedgewitch - spells, crafts and rituals for natural magick.  I knew I needed to refocus myself.  I needed a kick start if I am really going to make myself happy, healthy, wealthy (not necessarily monetary), and wise (to borrow phrasing from my class as well as my Grandmother).  I am not "happy."  Content, yes, but I am not overjoyed with the way my life is going nor do I get excited for anything.  I just am.  I would like to get excited about life.  About exercise.  About food.  About reading.  About teaching.  I do not want to be simply "content."  I want to enjoy my experience here.  I think re-reading Silver's book and really taking Thursday night's class in to full context is helping me see a way of getting beyond content.

Thus, tomorrow I begin the fourteen day ritual process or re-directing my path as I would prefer to think of it.  I know I am a witch.  I think I have always known.  I am not changing that.  I just found a fork in the road, and although it is dark and, quite honestly, frightening, I would rather go this way.  I need to tunnel in through the weeds, rip them out and make the garden of me a little more inviting for the people around me.  I think I forgot the most basic principle of gardening: weeds come back.  I let them take over me and drown me.  Tomorrow's ritual is thus quite fitting: Wind.  I will blow in winds of change and let the air clean out, not only my home, but me.  I will use the wind to keep me moving, to keep weeding, because when I forget to do so, I head back down into depression and cannot rise above "content."  The weeds suffocate me.

Part of this fourteen day journey is keeping a journal.  I have my personal pen and paper journal but I also want to share aspects of it on the blog as a means of re-directing myself back to writing.  Part of the past year's problem was that I never once wrote a single thing for myself and I really missed doing that. If I forget that part of me, then I become unfocused and frazzled.  That is how I let the weeds start rooting again.

This is a new path that I wish to take whilst I wander.  The Green Witch is back.  This is not a new me.  This is merely a re-discovered me or a forgotten me.  Help me clear the weeds.

I want to keep writing this blog.  It always works.  Always a blessing.

Thank you and blessed be.

Am I a bad woman?

Many friends have recently posted on Facebook or shared with me in person that they are with child.  I'm happy for them but each time this announcement is made, I'm harassed with questions about when my husband and I plan to have children.  I've been on the fence about children for a long time.  I have a genetic blood clotting disorder (Factor V) that makes things complicated for me.  Plus, I'm 27 years old and don't really see myself as a mother.  Pregnancy grosses me out and frightens me because of the blood clotting problem (miscarriages and death are risk factors).  Am I a horrible woman for becoming bitchier and bitchier each time I'm asked this question?  I know I have the right to be a bitch to the people at work who barely know me but I'm growing increasingly angry with close friends and family who are asking the question.  I feel guilty.  My best friends don't ask but they insist that I'll change my mind.  They are all excited for it to happen and quite frankly, I'm not.  I want nothing to do with it.  Does it make me a bad hedge witch and woman for not wanting motherhood?  There is so much of the craft that is "motherly."  How can I hold myself to such qualities when they are ones I don't possess or want?

I know many of my readers are mothers.  Please know that I hold nothing against any of you for being mothers.  Many people have perceived me in the past as a basher of motherhood.  I just don't want it for myself.  I guess I just feel like I'm wrong to not want it.

A Crossroads

So, I've been on a bit of a mental break for the past few months.  I've debated if I want to start the blog back up again.  While reading a new Pagan book this morning, I decided it would be a good idea.  This year has been a blur of constant stress.  Between co-workers who treat me as an outcast because of my Pagan faith and "green" values and parents who constantly harass me because I dare to challenge their students with hard work and accountability, I've been nothing but a bundle of nerves.  So, I abandoned my blog.  I honestly don't know why I did it in the first place.  Writing here gave me hope and understanding.  I connected with many of my readers on Facebook and speak with them privately about Pagan issues.  Why did I throw away my connection to what I've been looking for?  I guess I couldn't balance it all.  My faith doesn't bring me paycheck, teaching does.  So the world of stress took over my life.

Thankfully summer has finally arrived.  Today work crept in to provide me with some stress: One of the parents who gave me more grey hairs than I can count is still complaining.  Her son slept through my first period class all year and how *dare* I hold him accountable for doing nothing with a failing grade.  I must have some nerve.  But it's done.  It's over.  I took care of her bitching.  She got what she wanted.  Hopefully my cell phone and house phone will stay quiet for the rest of the summer except for when friends come calling.  I want to see pleasant people's names come across my caller ID for the remainder of the summer.  School can ring me in September.

So, what does all of this mean?  Is the Green Witch back?


Yes.


I'm not sure where I'll begin in my writings again.  I suppose talking about my house and the Pagan elements I've added around it would be a good place to start.  It's the only positive I've had since I last wrote in March.  I know I'll share about the Mets/Yankees game I'm going to tonight.  I'll be the lone Yankees fan in a group of Mets fans.

Until tomorrow.
Blessed Be.

PS - I guess my internal witch clock knows best when to start over.  I just realized today is a New Moon.

Thoughts

I think I'm too critical.  I sit around the English Office table listening to my co-workers' conversations and I have nothing to say.  It's because I'm too busy thinking how self absorbed these people are.  Maybe it's because they don't want to bring their opinions on social matters into the workplace, but these people have nothing better to talk about than shopping, shitty television shows and the "oh, so wonderful nonsense their kids did."  I don't get it.

Then, if a social/political topic comes up, they have the most asinine opinions of it.  For instance, someone brought up "going green" the other day.  I was elated.  Finally, something I could actually talk about rather than sit and eat my lunch in silence and have them look at me as if I were a mongloid.  I mentioned that Sean and I will be growing our own garden and using our own compost for it.  They looked at me as if I had 9,000 heads.  Compost?  Ew.  That's nasty.  They were also dismissive of organic products, especially organic cleaning.  I brought up the effects of things like bleach on the environment and people and they still thought I was a loon.

It's people like this that are killing our planet and keep me up at night.  I'm the looney tooney hippie of the English Department.  Sue me for wanted to not harm the planet I live on by growing my veggies, create less waste by having a compost pile (in a compost container so it doesn't stick too!), and making my own cleaning products.  Wow.  I must be a moron.

Some setbacks

I made my usual mistake of weighing/measuring myself when I went to the gym today.  I thought that I'd gained some weight during the summer and I was right.  I was also wrong.  It wasn't some weight.  It was a lot of weight.  Almost all of the weight I've lost, in fact, has come back.  This is where my laziness has gotten me.  I've spent too many days merely sitting on the computer when I should have been doing laps in the pool.  And now I must attend a wedding this weekend in a dress that will be too tight on me.  I'm more than disappointed in myself.  I lashed out at my husband in the middle of Macy's and screamed at my mother when we got home.  I don't like the person I become when I'm depressed.  I wish I knew a better way to handle these kind of setbacks in my life but I just get downright bitchy.

So, it's back to South Beach as I think Weight Watchers is a load of crap.  I'm sorry to those of you who use it - I don't agree with their plan.  I agree with portion control but I don't like that you have to pay them for their weight loss advice.  They (finally) started selling their cookbook in bookstores but even after flipping through it, I'd rather stick with South Beach.  This is also another big motivator to purchase my own house soon.  I love that my parents are doing my husband and I a HUGE favor by letting us live here rent free but I cannot control the menu and it's driving me bonkers.  What my Mom views as healthy cooking/eating is basically cutting out bread or just not eating until dinner.  I need to have my own kitchen back.  I miss cooking for myself all the time.

Since I haven't been following the South Beach exclusively for over a year, I need to start back in phase one.  Starting tomorrow and for the next two weeks I cannot eat anything on the list below.  It's going to be hard but I've done it before and I can do it again.  Here's to a new start and better luck this time.  I've got 55lbs to lose and I'm not giving up.  I will look the way I used to.  Magick is the power of words as well as power in faith.  Look over me Lord and Lady.  Help me not fail this time.

Foods NOT Allowed and to be Avoided in Phase 1

VEGETABLES Beets Carrots Corn Potatoes, white Potatoes, sweet Yams BEEF Brisket Liver Other fatty cuts Rib steaks POULTRY Chicken, wings and legs Duck Goose Poultry products, processed PORK Honey-baked ham VEAL Breast FRUIT Avoid ALL fruits and fruit juices in Phase 1, including: Apples Apricots Berries Cantaloupe Grapefruit Peaches Pears CHEESE Brie Edam Non-reduced fat

DAIRY 1/2 cup of plain fat-free yogurt (once per day max.) Fat Free 1/2 & 1/2, Nonfat milk, 1% milk, Soy milk allowed with coffee. Otherwise avoid all other dairy products (unless listed under protein choices or sweet treats). Limit to < 2 TBS per cup of coffee. Otherwise, avoid all milk products in Phase 1, including: Yogurt, cup-style and frozen Ice cream Milk, low-fat, fat-free, whole Milk, soy STARCHES AND CARBS Avoid ALL starchy food in Phase 1, including: Bread, all types Cereal Croutons, all types Matzo Oatmeal Rice, all types Pasta, all types Pastry and baked goods, all types MISCELLANEOUS Alcohol of any kind, including beer and wine No regular ketchup or cocktail sauce No pork rinds - too high in saturated fat No jerky - too high in sugar content Limit Caffeine-Containing Beverages to 1-2 servings per day

Favorite Fictional Witches

Ever since I read Wicked back in college, I've loved Elphaba.  I loved her long before she was even a glimmer in the lights of Broadway.  I was reminded of my love for her at the bookstore today.  While passing one of the tables before the register, there laying on the clearance stack was the 3rd book in the Wicked series: A Lion Among Men.  I remember seeing it when it first came out and reminded myself to hold off as 1) hardcover books are always out of my price range and 2) pleasure reading is during the summertime - too many papers to grade during the school year!

I often feel that I'm not good enough, that my work either at school or as a teacher or even as a witch isn't enough.  There are many moments when I'd rather just curl up in bed and stay there because it's safer and no one is there to tell me I'm worthless.  I've struggled with depression for most of my adult life and it's only with committing myself to my life as a Pagan where I've finally found some common ground.  Reading the lives of people like me, either those who are new Pagans or old hats, and just knowing that I'm not crazy with how I feel inside or what I believe.  I suppose it's some of that Catholic guilt left over.  My parents know how to use it against me so well.  I know I'm not perfect and I know that trying to be is what gets me down half the time.  Today was one of those days where attempting to be perfect didn't get me anywhere.  I guess it's why seeing that book in the bargain bit was the little bit of light that I needed to kick me back into reality.  I know that I'm "different" and no one, not even my parents, should make me feel badly about it.  I know that in my heart of hearts but sometimes I just need a sign from somewhere to get me to remember it.  Elphaba is the perfect character to help me remember.  It's why I adore her and why part of me always pitied the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.

I'm really looking forward to reading the 3rd book.  Hopefully it will cheer me up a little bit.  I just have to wait till next Tuesday to get started.  Only one more week of Graduate class left.  I love you Shakespeare but I need a break from thinking!

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down! 

-"Defying Gravity" from Wicked

Tarot Tuesday

I haven't been feeling well since last night, so my post today will be short.  Today I did a 5 card spread asking about a friendship that I happen to be dancing around picking up again.  These were the cards in order:

3 of Pentacles (R); The Empress; The Sun; The Hierophant (R); Death

This person was a part of my life before I met my husband.  In fact, we used to date.  The final card, death, is my advice.  I need to break away from this person.  It's only going to lead to disaster, most likely for my marriage.  Deep down, I know that the intentions this man has for me are not really for friendship.  He wants me back and I must let him go.  The Death card does not always mean "killing" or harm.  In this set of cards, I take it to me the letting go of my past.  This man is from there and there he must stay.